I cried with helplessness. I could not get over their death. I felt that I had died with them. It felt like life would never be the same again. I just have to accept it. I have no option.
These were the feelings and thoughts that passed through my mind after the death of my 16-year-old son Sean Beeby and 10-month-old daughter Lise Beeby. I felt cursed and crushed. The feelings of powerlessness and distraught were overwhelming.
The questions I kept asking myself were:
How am I supposed to move on?
Why me? Why the Beeby family? What have we done wrong to deserve this agony?
How can our Heavenly Father be so cruel? Is there really a God?
I was devastated, on the verge of a breakdown. I thought: I wish I had died instead of them. My heart had been ripped apart. I want to be with them, I miss them so much. I could not bear the emotional pain any longer. No words could describe my pain. I was a mess, a walking zombie, totally lost.
Just when I thought it wouldn't get better, hypnotherapy changed my life - a complete light bulb experience. Hypnosis changed my outlook and mindset. After hypnotherapy, I felt privileged to have been the mother of fallen angels.
These affirmations and thoughts made a huge impact on my “survival journey” and the way forward:
Life is not forever it is just a journey, a university of hard knocks.
Thank goodness it is simply a wave that will pass. I simply have to ride the wave. I have no choice but to ride the wave even if it is difficult.
Life is not easy or fair. Who said it should be? It is riddled with stumbling blocks and pain. No matter how painful the experience, it still enables growth and adds to the meaning of ‘life’, that it is not everlasting. Thank goodness.
Be grateful. Be humble. We do not belong to this planet, nor does this planet belong to us.
I am privileged to have known an “angel”. God selected me and my husband to be parents of fallen angels. I know my children are with God in Heaven. How amazing. It brought inner peace and strength. I have guardian angels protecting me on this planet. I am merely a journey.
Why me? Was replaced with - Why not me? I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy. It is my life journey.
My son and daughter are my guardian angels today (my imaginary friends). Nobody can destroy my memory of them or destroy the golden string between me and them. They are just a thought away, and I can always converse with them. The wonderful memories are in a crystal ball that I can revisit whenever I want to.
They will always shine the way. I can always enter into a conversation with both of them or will write them a letter and they will answer me even in my dreams. They make me aware of their presence in different ways on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. I will never forget them.
I simply no longer fear death or loneliness as my children have paved the way and are always with me. I can call upon them anytime and anywhere. They are a breath away and touch away - I can merely tap into the place in my body that resonates with them.
I am blessed to have spent special moments and times with them on this planet. Life, after all, is not always good, it can be merciless and cruel at times. They won’t have to “suffer” anymore. They are free “like a beautiful bird”. I can now wave them goodbye and know they are happy and safe. They can revisit me any time when I touch my token or recall the memory.
Hypnotherapy helped me to overcome the intense pain of their deaths, and I now feel at peace. I will always be wounded but it is now only a scar. During the hypnotherapy sessions, I could release the raw emotions of loss. I could speak to my son and daughter. I could feel their presence. I could ask them anything I wanted to ask. I could thank him and her. I could touch them both. See, hear and smell them. I could ask them where they were. They could give me messages that lingered on in my mind and in my memory. My memories are forever. I could relive all special and sad moments with them (a memory that I could stop any moment and revisit). I did not have to delete their memories or burn their belongings. I could zoom into the worst moments and the best moments. I could recreate a most loving good bye. I could rejoice and relive every special moment which created such joy. I could make future wonderful memories. I saw my children in heaven smiling and waving me good bye. A wonderful everlasting memory. They are so happy and free. I know that they will always love me and I will love them until we meet again.
I embraced life thereafter with a new mindset and I am now adamant to make memories as I acknowledge that life is short. Life is a gift and I have to live. My son Sean’s words were: “Be happy mom, smile mom, I am going to heaven”. Life is momentary – everything about it is in the moment. My message to myself is to be mindful and to live in the now. Appreciate those that you love as every moment they spend with you in their living years is so precious even if it is painful. Life is just a series of lessons and exams you have to pass no matter how painful or difficult they are. Sean’s everlasting words, "Don’t give up, mom. Don’t worry, I am happy. Thank you for being a wonderful mom," remain with me forever. I have learnt to not fear death, but rather embrace it.
Thank you to hypnotherapy for enabling this great experience. My conscious mind became so empowered and it has changed my life for the better. My children’s portraits sit close to me in my office, they are still my imaginary friends. I can call upon them anytime, but I have set them free to enjoy heaven. I am blessed to have a full life with a wonderful husband and loving children that are my pride and joy. I am privileged to have a family in Heaven and on Earth.